Gate: Jieitai Kanochi Nite, Kaku Tatakaeri Episode 2: The Two Armies - Bobble Reviews

The government of fantasy ancient Rome is in an uproar! You can tell it's fantasy because every now and then a dragon flies past the camera.

Actually, this is the updated re-release showcasing George Lucas' original vision.

Anyway, they're in an uproar because the Japanese Self-Defense Force – you know, the really aggressive self-defense defending-ourselves not-misnamed force – is invading through the magical gate simply know as...Gate! Great King Emperor Molt says ask for help from other nations. But we know he's got something up his sleeve when his attendant says "your majesty it will be a bloodbath" and the king says "*SMILE*."

Psssh. All these boring old men talking about important strategies! All these people with varied faces and normal hair! What an ocular slog-fest. When am I gonna get the doe-eyed anime babes the theme song promised me? You could put a twelve-year-old in government!

Don't get much more varied than this face.

So they call in His Kingly Majesty Duran Duran and his troops to stop the dudes from another world. But Durian's got a bad feeling about this battle, and it's not just because he's an old fogey. They advance into SDF-claimed territory and get half of their troops bombed out of the blue!

Ooooooooooooooooops.

They need a new battle strategy!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Desperate and disillusioned as his men die like pigs in the slaughterhouse, Duran makes one last stand in the middle of a relentless rain of bullets, and he shoots a single, meaningless arrow.

How are none of these bullets hitting me??

Then he blows up. With that neighboring nation's army pretty much gone, it's time for Rome to panic! ...I mean party, because that was Lord Molt's evil plan! Now their enemies are weak, so they can fight them instead and hope the SDF just goes back to defending or something.

It's time for you to get out the room, old coots, 'cause this anime's first b-b-b-*B*A*B*E*Y* is storming into the palace!

buh-buh-buh-BUHHUHHHHHH

Let's take this all in. She has a tiny tie. A tiny boob window. Two thirds of a chestplate. A working woman's shoulder pads. Long gloves. And partially-exposed arms. And she's just wearing this as she walks around the palace every day, because she's the princess. With all this armor, she's always approximately 25% ready for battle!

All she does is say they should be focusing on fighting Japan. Ew, more politics. That's lame. Can we see something else?

AAAH, THE CARTOON OVAL OFFICE!!!!!!

I guess not! America sez that they want to go into the Gate gate too, but after Japan's military is dead. One would think maybe they would be concerned with the important government stuff I half-remember they made Japan sign decades ago from my education at Bear School of the Arts?

But enough about that. We're going B2B: Back to Babes.

This species is divided into males and Babeys, the former of which are defined by their ugly, distressingly-small eyeballs.

We're finally back with our main characters for the long haul. Itami Youji, if you'll recall, is the master soldier otaku lieutenant, and now he's leading troops on a new mission: peaceful cultural interaction.

But they take a detour past Stonehenge first.

Now, keeping in mind that the local military's been bombed by your people and everyone probably knows it, do not, I repeat DO NOT change into plainclothes under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Taking off your helmet should not count as plainclothes.

AND REMEMBER TO PARK AS CLOSE TO THE VILLAGES AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

I see you accidentally parallel-parked into their cemetery, lieutenant. Nice. "Accidentally."

Nonetheless, they are warmly welcomed, as I gather from the twenty seconds we spend there. Nobody is less impressed by this instance of cross-cultural interaction than the two otaku stooges in the Jeep in front. Gee, where are all the fairies and catgirls?

*stereotypical fat nerd chortling*

Then they travel to a forest with another village in it, but – horror or horrors! – it's being attacked by a fire-breathing dragon!

This is the polar opposite of genre savvy.

The woodlands and the village within are totally decimated, and everyone's dead...well I mean not everyone, because this other Babey floating in the well, that blond lass from the theme song, is probably definitely still alive.

*disturbingly long whistle*